I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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