There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
