I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
