Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
