You made me cry and you don't even care
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
