He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
