I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Randomize