Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
