yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
