I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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