I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
