If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
