Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
