My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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