a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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