my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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