Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
