im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
