i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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