I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
