I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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