Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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