So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
