if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
