I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
