The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
