You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
soo... how was my night?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
