My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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