if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
