we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
this boner is exhausting
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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