do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
