It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
