ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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