I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
