I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
