Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
