There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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