my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
