My hand turned me down
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
