I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
