The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
