my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
