I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
