Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just invented taco cereal.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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