my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
