Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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