why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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