Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
