I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
