Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
