My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
